Utilisateur
(walk on)
- What the frick?
silence
- What are you doing?
- It's taken me 14 hours to get here from Dusseldorf. And I walk in on this. Pan's bloody people.
(shake hands)
- How do you do. And then I got diverted to East Midlands
- What is it with this country, it's too hot, it's too cold, there's leaves on the line, it's the wrong sort of snow-
Catherine:
- How long have they been like this?
- Don't be ridiculous...
- OK OK
- Christ they're a handful when they all get together. They just gang up, you'll have to get used to it... all right, all right, pull yourselves together... Where do you want to be...?
- Had he ever met your mum?
- Catherine stop being so bloody paraniod.
Teresa:
- For Christ's Sake Teresa, I've only just thawed out.
(grapples with the bags, one splits)
- Oh, for Gods sake!!
- Have you ever thought of laying off the drugs for a while, Catherine?
(ducking avoiding the cup)
- Jesus Christ??
- She nearly had my bloody head off.
- Teresa...
- Teresa, don't drink whisky, it makes you crazy you know that..
Teresa:
- Don't drink if it tastes of salt...
- Put the bottle down, Teresa
- Teresa, what the hell's this got to do with anything? Stop it.
Teresa:
- I never said you were shouting
- Oh, for Christ's sake, this is none of your business, Teresa...
Teresa:
- But not you and not now, OK?
- Teresa, I'm warning you
- I don't think you should be telling anybody anything right at this moment...
- Sorry about this Mike, like you said, it's the grief, you know..
Mike:
- Teresa, come on now, you're talking shite, come and have a lie-down.
- Teresa, I beg of you. Remember the last time. Three small gins, that's all. Took her bloody clothes in a car park.
- Teresa, that's enough...
- Right that's it. Come on.
(pause)
- Who was eight months pregnant?
- Are you serious?
- You're really excelling yourself today Teresa. Although personally, I think you're timing is a bit off. Much more effective if you had waited till the funeral and shared it to the congregation. You could have done it instead of your crappy poem. You'd have brought the house down.
- It just strikes me as being a strange time to reveal it to the world, Teresa. I mean it hardly qualifies as bereavement counsiling...
(swig)
- If you take one more swig of that, your liver will explode.
- Do you know something Teresa. You're just embarrasing when you're drunk
I've been awake for 36 hours. Look I'm sorry just put the bottle down, you've had enough. Teresa, during the course of my spectacularly indirect journey here from Dusseldorf, I did a bit of thinking. Two and a half days spent at a health food convention being harrassed by people who do the vitamin therapy according to star signs, it reminded me of what deep down I have know for some time. We sell utter crap.
- No hang on, let me finish, I know you believe in it, I know you do, but maybe lter when the funeral's out of the way, we could, you know...
Teresa:
- I don't know. Maybe you should run the business and I should go into something else.
Teresa:
- The thing is Teresa, I hate selling things. Or specifically, I hate selling things that people don't want and I don't believe in. I'm not cut out for it.
- Nothing's going on, I'm trying to have a conversation with Teresa...
- Yeah well you know, it's a depressing business. Dying and whatnot.
- What?
Catherine:
- I'm sorry?
Catherine:
- Of course you're pretty. Look Catherine. I'm exhausted.
- Jesus Catherine, I don't know. People leave each other. You'll get over it.
Catherine:
- About what?
Catherine:
- Catherine, I have no advice to give you. I mean I could say drink some tea, eat your vegetables, learn to love yourself, but it is all a load of crap.
- I'm worried about her. I'm serious. She needs months in a secure unit, she's completely.. ugh anyways, I'd better go and sort Teresa out.
(exit stage)
- Look, I'm sorry, I know you're trying to get a bit of peace...
Mary:
- The thing is, Teresa's arranged for your mother to come back, that's all.
- In here, this is her room.
Mary:
Mike:
- You can have it open or closed, it's up to you.
- What?
(exit stage)
- she needs a bloody drink.
(exit stage)
(enter stage)
- Rescue Remedy. Duty-Free vodka. Take your pick.
- I read somewhere the other day that if you eat a whole lettuce before you go to bed, it has pretty much the same effect as a Mogadon.
- Sorry?
- Hello?.... Oh Jesus Wept.... And What?.... You've got what?.... I don't believe this.... I mean I suppose if.... Right ok ok, thanks.
(put down phone)
- He says he is on his way. He asked if we have anyone who can give him a hand. Taking the coffin out to the hearse.
- I think he said it's hard for him because he has a *plastic hand*. Is my hearing going or what??
- I don'e this you're supposed to.
- ooh, nearly said cheers
....
- so here we are then.
...
- You can get a do-it-yourself coffin now, apparenetly. Made out of cardboard.
- God. Right. I'll take this end, shall I?
Mike:
- I'll go backwards, or would you rather?
- Mind that bit of carpet... whoops nearly... that's it
..
- To me, To me.
(exit stage)
(enter stage)
- Are we set?